The Family Monastery

This morning the mail brought me the September 2008 issue of the Forum Letter, a newlsetter published monthly by the American Lutheran Publicity Bureau. One wonderful essay caught my attention: "The family monastery" by Pastor Brad Everett. It first appeared in The Forum, a publication of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada's Synod of Alberta and the Territories. Inasmuch as it's available on the Web, I'm trusting it's all right (editing it ever-so slightly) to post it here for your convenient reading. I hope you like it as much as I do.

The Family Monastery

When asked what was the difference between a monk and a married man, St. John Chrysostom replied, “The married man has a wife.” I don’t think any violence would be done to this sentiment if the terms “nun” and “married woman” were inserted instead.

Think about that for a minute. Not in terms of the obvious difference between the two states of life, but what it says about those things they have in common. The monastic life conjures up images of a life set apart for simplicity, prayer, work, service to others and above all service to Christ, which, if Chrysostom’s statement is correct, should be said about families as well. But truth be told, those likely aren’t the first things that come to mind when talking about families these days—even Christian families.

But why not? Why shouldn’t our families and homes be places of prayer and work, simplicity and service? Some might say that comparing monastic and family life I am comparing apples to oranges, and besides, Chrysostom was an unmarried bishop in the 4 C, so what does he know about Canadian famil life in 2008?

No one told us

A reading of his book On Marriage and Family Life (a collection of his sermons and letters on the topics) shows the good bishop did understand families and proves the truth of the saying “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” Of course, there are differences between then and now, monasteries and family homes, but the question remains—why shouldn’t our families and homes be places of prayer and work, simplicity and service?

Picking from the variety of answers to that question I’d choose this one. No one told us our families and homes could be like that, or that it was within our power, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to do it. Overwhelmed by stresses, strains and societal pressures, our judgment was sufficiently clouded to prevent us from seeing this very real possibility.

While certainly much in our lives is beyond our control, we lost sight of those things we do have within our grasp—for example, our schedules. Life in a monastery is built around prayer; that is, the times for prayer are established first and then the rest of the day’s activities are slotted in around those times. Many of us unintentionally or otherwise, do the exact opposite. Appointments and activities get first priority in the schedule and prayer is slotted in afterwards (or not at all).

Yet there is nothing stopping us from reversing this process—from sitting down with a day-timer or calendar and establishing times and opportunities for family prayer, and letting the rest of life fit in around them.

Fair warning—this is hard and for the most part thankless work. We live in a world where one’s value is measured by what and how much we “do.” Prayer and devotions are not understood to be “doing” much of anything and so are not valued. But we need to remind ourselves that the world around us is not the final arbiter of what is important and necessary for our lives. Our time as individuals and families in this life is finite. We need to prayerfully set our own priorities for how to spend it, rather than allowing someone or something else to do it. We find time for those things most important to us. So before claiming a shortage of time, we might want to see if our practice reflects our priorities.

Removing the obstacles

Having set aside time for prayer the next question is often “What do we do?” In monasteries this is an easy one since services of prayer have developed over the centuries and are simply followed as a matter of course. But things like praying all 150 Psalms each week isn’t a realistic option for most individuals, let alone households with pre-schoolers. Unfortunately this is where many homes get hung up—obstacles block their view of the options.

So instead of being intimidated by what you can’t do, look at what you can. As a first step, take a look at your home, the personalities, gifts, inclinations and of course ages of the people that make it up. Looking for resources, the Lutheran Book of Worship has orders for the daily prayer offices, with notes on how to modify them for family use. This might not be for everyone, but don’t dismiss it out of hand as, at the very least, it’s a place to begin. It gives a framework
families can adapt to their situations and for those starting out, it will be trial and error, but that’s half the fun, because you are doing it as a family.

One family's way

Further, the times of prayer and practices of devotion a family develops are not necessarily all formal. By way of example (and not the best example by any stretch) here are some things our family has done. At every meal we hold hands and pray grace in unison. Doesn’t matter who is here or how old they are, the practice is the same. Before bed-time we gather at the kitchen table, light the candle in our Camp Kuriakos lantern and read a story from a children’s Bible. Now that the older two kids are reading we share this duty. We then sing a song of their choosing, usually “God Our Protector” or during Advent/Christmas “Angels We Have Heard on High.”

Prayer follows, sometimes everyone takes a turn, or requests are shared and I’ll pray. The time ends with the blowing out of the candle (or candles if it is Advent) and heading off to bed where we pray before tucking children in. Sometimes we sing the Nunc dimittis from the service of Compline (“Guide us waking O Lord, and guard us sleeping, that awake we may watch with Christ and asleep we may rest in peace. Lord now you let your servant go in peace…”). Yes, our children can sing Compline, much like they can sing most of the Sunday liturgy—kids pick up things much quicker than adults, it’s just a matter of them hearing it regularly.

At the bedside we pray the same prayer every night. “Dear Jesus, thank-you for today and for all the fun that Christopher, Maren, Bennett and Abbey had. Give them good night sleeps and happy dreams. Help them be all warm and snuggy and sleep all the night through. Help them to know how much you love them and how much mommy and daddy love them. In Jesus name, Amen.”

Oodles of blessings

We conclude with kisses and making the sign of the cross on their foreheads. We have blessed our children in this manner from the time each was born. As each child grows older, they do the same for their mom and me. And such blessings aren’t restricted to bedtime. Blessings are exchanged when one is going on a trip or staying overnight somewhere else. When guests leave our home, or we leave a home where we have been guests, our kids will regularly give blessings, something they started doing of their own accord.

These are some of our family’s practices. Some were intentional and others not, but the goal behind it all was to make the home a place of prayer. Or at the very least a place where prayer could happen, trusting that the other points of work, simplicity and service would grow out of the practice of prayer. We are not where we want to be in our family prayer life, because there is always room for growth. But we know there is the possibility and promise.

Pr. Brad Everett, lives in Standard, AB, with his wife Manny and children: Christopher (9), Maren (7), Bennett (4) and Abbey (11 months) and a large orange cat named Jens. He has served Nazareth Lutheran for over 7 years.